I can NOT sleep. Which isn't weird, I haven't been able to sleep well for some time.

Maybe I ask for too much

I think I am awake from a sudden feeling of despair. That and I'm hungry. The thought in my head wasn't something that happened overnight, but it's just now hitting me, or I am just now dealing with it.

I have gotten to use to people needing me that I have latched a dependency towards that fact. Not a very good habit, nor it's one that i normally realize that I'm doing. Till it's gone anyways. Much like all things people take for granted.

For the second time in my life I feel like I am pursuing others for attentions of some sort. Not just knowledge of my existence. Something for me to look back and say, hey look at that, I matter to someone.

I mean really matter.

It sounds like I'm just bitching some what about the same stuff that everyone else does. I am relatively certain that it is not the same.

I suppose it is entirely possible that I am overly spoiled by affection from others that I don't know what i would do without it. It is entirely possible.

I have that hollow feeling about everything right now... Like you're watching yourself dream and not sure how to wake.

I started to use humor as a heavier defense then I normally would. Maybe that's why no one suspects of anything screwy about my behavor. People generally just dismiss me easily as being goofy. Nothing wrong with that I guess. It's the image I project when I speak out in gibberish.

"He's fine, he's just crazy"

Still though, I miss having someone that saw right through that. Maybe that's why I have been thinking about Robyn so much lately.

But even with her, that's just old memories......

Before this I looked for others to care for me as much as I do them. now I pine for anyone that can ask me how I am doing without being a reflex of a social cliche. Or even say "have a good day" and truly meant it.