funny = red and true = blue

I was once addicted to saying "penis" randomly in my conversations to see if people were listening, and most of the time they wouldn't notice. but it was like subconsciously they heard, and our conversations would draw around to sex or something like that.

something true : it takes me eleven months to get angry about something. an incident will happen and then eleven months later, i will finally get angry about it

yesterday i was down at san onofre beach surfing and barbecuing with a bunch of people...and i was laying out tanning... and one of the guys we were with just came in from surfing... i wasnt watching him tho... and he dropped a big fucking lobster on my stomach!!!!!!!!

ok this one is sad...

there is this girl at my work named michelle, she is probably like 35 or so and she just got married a couple months ago to this guy Billy, its her second marriage...and they were soooooooo happy together always going out to the river, just bought a house in newport together and a new boat and all that crap. This guy seriously was her life meant everything to her. well... last friday she went home from work and he was passed out on the floor, she called 911 and all that. so he's been in a coma for the past week, and they just decided last night to pull the plug on him cuz even if he pulled out he would be a vegetable. so ya thats the truth and im sticking to it.

i thought my oldsmobile got stolen. isn't that funny, who would want to steal an oldsmobile?

yea, thats funny. HAHAHAHA

my cats name is checkers

There's this book ( I dunno if you've ever seen it) but it's called The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel. It gives instructions how to react in all kinds of scary situations. Like, if an airplane crashes, things like that. and one of the things in there is what to do in case of an alien abductions, and it lists: they can read your mind, so do not think about anal probing. There's a list of like 6 things. Then the last one says: "as a last ditch effort, go for their eyes. you won't know what else is a sensitive area". I dunno about you, but I thought that was HILARIOUS!

I used to run drugs from Mexico. It was never on a huge scale, but it still cracks me up to be able to make that statement with complete honesty.

my face is all numb and i sound retarded when i talk

i was really really really scared at the dentist today because i hate needles

something funny: I still suck my thumb

something true: I still suck my thumb

Then I realized everything funny was also true o_O