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Diary
2006-02-25
[ goodbye. ]



It is a story that I’ve told many times. A story that I hate to remember but I do.

She walked out of my life again. This time much less mysterious than others, but the hollow feeling afterwards is similar. That was a year ago already. I am just still trying to forget about it.

I remember when we met. I did not even really get to see her face but she remembered mine. We ran into each other three or four times before I actually truly saw her in the light. I remember being mesmerized by her big hazel eyes. She speaks through them sometimes when she can’t find the words to say.

I remember wishing that I would find someone like her when I saw a shooting star. She had a beauty about her that would be unfitting to describe in words. If there was ever a love at first sight, that would be it for me. Only in stories would a heart be captured so quickly, the cheesy movies with the predictable endings.

A few months later we were sitting on the beach. I turned her cheek towards me and kissed her.

The first time she left, I sat in a dark empty room. We went up the mountains because she wanted to see snow for the first time. (You know, as magical as snow seems the first time, they’re really a pain in the ass) We had dinner an inn in the small village up the mountains. The waiter said to me “Why do you look so happy?” and I looked towards her. She knew why.

I was only kidding myself. She was already in love with someone else.

A year goes by and I suddenly get an instant message from a stranger. She said she was a fan of my artwork. I knew who it was. I knew the second she messaged me. I asked her what her favorite book was as a child. “Where the red fern grows” she told me. See? I still remember. You told me this when we spent Christmas together. I never did forget about it. That was how I knew.

After my birthday she messaged me, still under the impression that her identity was hidden.

Her: “I miss you.”
Me: “I miss you too Brooke”
Her: “…..”
Her: “You knew the whole time didn’t you?”

The second time she left, I stood by the window staring outside of our hotel suite for hours. We actually almost died that night when the elevator shook violently and we fell to the ground holding each other. I thought to myself “At least, we would have been together.”

I was kidding myself again. She fell in love with her best friend during my absence. They moved in together a few months later. We tried to stay friends. In reality I avoided seeing her and going to her place in fears of running into him. I didn’t want to see the person that was the reason we couldn’t be together. I missed her birthday party because of it. I still feel bad about that.

Another year goes by and I get an email out of the blue. No hidden identities this time. She came to me to pour her heart about the fake people in her life (her best friend). We emailed each other in bits and pieces.

One night (kind of like tonight) I was watching “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind”. I wrote to her about the movie, and about us. I have been trying to forget about her for so long that I had forgotten how much she meant to me. She wrote back to me.

“I know what you mean.”

This time when we met, she was different. It had seemed like someone have tweaked at her soul so much that she became plastic. At one end she would shake off any resemblance to the typical crowd. Then I would see how she really is when surrounded by those she mocks so much.

She became them.

I just wondered if she ever noticed herself, maybe that was what she hated so much about this place. So she left again. The “magical” snow she saw in New York did it. You know, just cause they look amazing when they fall, doesn’t mean they’re any fun to live around. I wanted to go. Not because of snow, not because of personal reasons, not to escape. I just wanted to go with her. I started looking for work transfer and a place to sell my car.

“Remember when you asked me to go with you? Was that just conversation or did you mean it?”

It was just conversation. She was already gone.

We said our goodbyes after a concert in the park under the stars. I let her drive my car. I never let people drive my car. This time when she left, I just drove away.

And that was it. That was almost 5 years that we’ve known each other. That was our story.

Now I don’t know what purpose she served being in my life if any. Maybe we were kindred spirits from another life that wasn’t mean for this one. I knew at one point, that I would have loved you for the rest of my life. Now you are just a good story to tell.

Goodbye Brooke Arkley.


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-krazypenguin

 

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